Reasons why...

Fairest Lord Jesus,
Ruler of all nature,
O Thou of God and man the Son,
Thee will I cherish, Thee will I honor,
Thou, my soul’s glory, joy and crown.

Fair are the meadows,
fairer still the woodlands,
Robed in the blooming garb of spring;
Jesus is fairer, Jesus is purer,
Who makes the woeful heart to sing.

Fair is the sunshine,
Fairer still the moonlight,
And all the twinkling starry host;
Jesus shines brighter, Jesus shines purer
Than all the angels heaven can boast.

Beautiful Savior! Lord of all the nations!
Son of God and Son of Man!
Glory and honor, praise, adoration,
Now and forever more be Thine.

Of Seas and Shipwrecks

Lord, I am here. – But, child, I look for thee
Elsewhere and nearer Me. –
Lord, that way moans a wide and insatiate sea:
How can I come to Thee? –
Set foot upon the water, rest and see
If thou canst come to Me. –
Couldst Thou not send a boat to carry me,
Or dolphin swimming free? –

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There aren’t many experiences that I can recall as vividly as that first day out on the gulet boats sometime at 6 or 7 in the morning when the crew had already set us sailing across the Aegean Sea. I remember waking up and hearing the sound of the wind whipping wildly, only knowing that we had left Bodrum and we were going somewhere… I had no idea where. I got out of bed and went outside, finding several people already up taking in the experience. Going to the front of the boat, the experience is almost over powering for someone who has never been on a moving boat before. It is amazing. No matter how much the boat seems to rock you know you won’t fall out and you trust the crew to do their job. Imagine not having that confidence… the experience would be paralyzing. One can only imagine how terrifying it must be to be at sea in the middle of a storm.

Much of literature compares the ocean to the unpredictability of human existence. It is no wonder. The thing that is really striking about the nature of the sea is its formlessness; it is always changing. It is unpredictable if not entirely uncontrollable. You don’t know when the waves are going to strike, or how they are going to strike, you only know that they will. A full experience of the sea is not the same as experiencing water. It’s experiencing a combination of elements. It’s the water, the tide, the wind, the cold, the salt. And that means experiencing not just the wind in your hair and the thrill of sailing, but the bitterness of the salt and the terror of the storm.

Life is like the sea… I do not know that I will not sink. In fact, I am terrified that I will sink. Actually, I know that I will sink. And it’s knowing that that makes me wonder… why oh why does Peter attempt to walk upon the waves? He is only one man against the vast ocean. It is because his Lord tells him to come, and he comes knowing that the Divine Creator of the ocean will not allow the water to give way under his feet. Yet the miracle of walking on water was not enough. Irrational doubt crept into Peter’s mind. The power of the wind crippled him with fear. It is almost too easy to get overwhelmed with the terror of the storm, when things get too hard, too confusing, and far too unpredictable. Knowing our own strength against the waves, how weak we can be… we cannot control the wind. We cannot control the waves. They beat against us without rhythm or reason, and the wind throws us so far off course that it is more than a challenge to try to find our way again.

Mercifully we are not left to find our own way. In that very moment of crippling fear Jesus “immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt?’” (Matthew 14:31). Why oh why did Peter doubt when the God in Whom we live and move and have our being is before him? How did fear grip him when he could see with his own eyes that Jesus—not a ghost but in corporeal form—was walking upon the waves Himself and was calling for him?

It is the same reason we fear anything at all. But it is on these waves which we walk, amidst the wind which tugs and pulls at us from all sides, that our will to control our environment must be surrendered. We must surrender, lest we drown. It is in surrendering and entrusting our entire well-being to the Invisible that we are saved. It is here where the wind ceases and the storm is calmed.

Better to be like Paul headed toward Rome then Odysseus traveling the wide sea. While one man had an inner passion to return to the home he longs for, the other has an inner strength from an external Source—the Divine Fount—an eternal hope which defies all human rationality. Paul had the knowledge of the inevitable hardships of storm and shipwreck—but his journey was a divine mission. He had every reason to fear--that is, if he had only himself to trust—but he saw the Lord before him across the sea and believed.

Mankind may not control the waves or the wind, but they do have the choice to believe.

To despair is to sink below the waves; to hope is to walk on water.

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Nay, boat nor fish if thy will faileth thee:
For My Will to is free. –
O Lord, I am afraid. – Take
Hold on Me:
I am stronger than the sea. –
Save Lord, I perish. – I have
Hold of thee.
I made and rule the sea,
I bring thee to the haven where though wouldst be.

– Christina Rossetti

Some long sentences on the beginning of summer, for it has already been quite overwhelming....

Dear Lonely Blog,

How long has it been since I have spoken to thee? Quite a while it seems... and while I was really very tempted to give up on you (for I am afraid that I was losing some interest in attending to thee) I have instead taken up a new resolution to continue on in keeping thee updated, so long as time permits. But alas, it is summer... time permits! And so long as I choose to make thee a priority, you may yet have a longer life.

Only a few weeks into the summer and I have found myself in many beautiful places. So many places in fact that I can hardly keep track of them all. Near the end of May I had the privilege to go to Turkey and Greece with a group of amazing people... 50 to be exact. Most of them were students, a few were faculty. It was an amazing experience, one I have yet to wrap my head around... one that I doubt I will ever wrap my head around. There is so much history I can hardly keep it in my head. It would be absurd to try to remember it ALL (There might be something to be said for trying). Gratefully, I have the benefit of having kept a journal about the trip and as I re-read my entries, and continue to study in order to fill in where my understanding of human antiquity is deficient, I may gain a better comprehension of the experience as a whole. And while I may wish that I had been better prepared for the trip, as my friend Anja told me on the last day in Corinth, this experience will be a resource for us that we can draw from as we return home to "make tents." I am so glad that I was given the opportunity to not only go on such a lovely journey with so many fantastic people to so many fantastic places, but also to have gone on a pilgrimage to the places of Paul's ministry and the conquering of Delphi... even to the end of the world. I am glad to be reminded of the strength and of the endurance given to us by the Spirit, of the example set for us by God's servant Paul, not only in proclaiming the Gospel of Christ, but as we study and work and make tents. I am very glad though, for those times when you can take a break from making tents and for once in your whole life pray in one voice at the theater in Ephesus and worship our Savior together in the Body.

We are One in the Spirit. We are One in the Lord.
And we pray that our unity will one day be restored.
And they will know we are Christians by our love.

When one member suffers...

the whole body suffers.

“O Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” - Luke 23:34

Thy lovely saints do bring Thee love...

....Incense and joy and gold;
Fair star with star, fair dove with dove,
Have brought Thee sins and tears;
Yet I too bring a little love
Amid my flaws and fears.
A trembling love that faints and fails
Yet still is love of Thee,
A wondering love that hopes and hails
Thy boundless Love of me;
Love kindling faith and pure desire,
Love following on to bliss,
A spark, O Jesu, from Thy fire,
A drop from Thine abyss. - C.R.

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What does one do with the things in life which God gives you? As human beings, when someone gives us a gift it often seems to be the tendency to take it, own it, and do with it as we please. But when it comes to gifts from God, that is a different matter. He gives them to us not to possess but to nurture and make abundant... so that we may give it back to Him for His glory and honor. Just like in the parable of the talents where the man entrusts his servants with his property, when God blesses us (and these blessings come in many forms, but they are always things we do not deserve. They are the things which God gives to us to show His overflowing love for us. Even though He could have stopped giving us things we didn't deserve at the resurrection, we see Him still thinking of us, in His sending the Holy Spirit, and in His involvement in our lives in ways we could never have hoped or expected). He gives to us so that we may be like Him in His desire to make abundant what is good and beautiful, so that we may imitate Him in His fecundity by cultivating and caring for these things. Yet if we try to possess it, which is not ours in the first place to possess, and if we do not do what we have been commissioned by Him to do, we become like the servant who did not invest the talents given to him, and will be left to admit to our Master: "I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground" (Matthew 25:24-25). This fear to invest in the masters money is self-focused. It is a fear of losing that thing which He has given to us without realizing that it is not about us at all. Yet we do not want to lose it; we do not want to give it up. There is a risk involved, to be sure, but do we not have faith that God in His wisdom chose us to care for it and that He knows what He is doing? If we do not take the risk it will not even be given the chance to grow.
We have to take the risk, even if we doubt that we are capable of managing it well. After all, if God chose to give it to us then we do not need to fear at our own limitations and inabilities. Perhaps the responsibility is overwhelming, but it does not have to be. And if we can learn to trust and love God; if we can recognize that He is the Master who reaps where He has not sowed and gathered where He scattered no seed, then what He has set before us will be given the chance to flourish and abound, and become all that He intended it to be, and indeed, all that we hoped it would be.

It is then that we will have gained all that we did not want to lose, and it is then that our Master will turn to us and say "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:21).

Of ... so many things

For the past few hours I have been sitting in my dorm room trying to edit my term paper before I send it off to be graded by the writing director. But my mind keeps wandering. For the past few weeks many things have been disturbing my otherwise calm spirit. Community has an amazing way of drawing vices out of hiding. Not that I regret that my flaws and imperfections and vices have been revealed: for those people in my life--my mentor and my closest friends--who are most aware of the things on my mind, are then able to help me, guide me, in finding the answers. Nevertheless, I feel an ache at the very thought of my flaws and faults, and would much sooner force my issues back into hiding than bring them into the light so that they may be scrutinized by my peers. It hurts to acknowledge and accept that I am not the person I wish I was. I have a lot of growing to do. Even though the pursuit of goodness never really ends in this life (Who can say they have acquired all the goodness that can be acquired?) I do feel this never ending self-imposed pressure to be better than I am, and I think that its enough pressure to actually prevent me from doing so. Why do I do this to myself? Is it pride? It's so easy to say, yep, its pride... the greatest human vice. And while, in one sense, I would like to say "No, my psyche is much more complex than that" I am afraid that if I were to be the honest person that I want to be then I must admit, this pressure is only the result of my not wanting to wait for God to sanctify and perfect me according to His will. Could I even say... gee I hate saying this... Have I been trying to sanctify myself? Is it all a matter of what other people think? Of what I think of myself? Ugh... how could I be so far off the mark... even this realization makes me sick.

O Lord, forgive me!

Hey mom, how does it feel to think that the fate of the Republic rests on your shoulders?

A great poet was brought to see God through the example of one godly woman.
Dante had his Beatrice and it was enough. It is harder for men in our
materialistic age, so God has raised up thousands of such women. It is time to
take a good hard look at what these heroes without epic poets are doing in
quiet. I put very little trust in princes, whether elected or not. Rather, if
the oldest stories are true the fate of the Republic rests more with these home
school mothers.

Although there are many posts that I have read that I would like to link too on my blog (often finding that as I am still learning to communicate well, many others communicate ideas and truths better than I), I could not pass this up. As I grow into a young woman I have also grown more and more in awe of the woman that my mother is, wondering how she made it-- in light of the difficult background that she came from-- into the wonderful godly wife and mother, the example of feminity, humbleness, and maturity that she is, igniting my passion for truth and Christ-likeness, and guiding me even now, though we are apart. Mother's Day is still about a month and a half away... but there will never be a day that I am not grateful for my relationship with her.

The Thread of Life...

I

The irresponsive silence of the land,

The irresponsive sounding of the sea,

Speak both one message of one sense to me:--

Aloof, aloof, we stand aloof, so stand

Thou too aloof bound with the flawless band

Of inner solitude; we bind not thee;

But who from thy self-chain shall set thee free?

What heart shall touch thy heart? what hand thy hand?--

And I am sometimes proud and sometimes meek,

And sometimes I remember days of old
When fellowship seemed not so far to seek
And all the world and I seemed much less cold,
And at the rainbow's foot lay surely gold,
And hope felt strong and life itself not weak.

II

Thus am I mine own prison. Everything

Around me free and sunny and at ease:

Or if in shadow, in a shade of trees

Which the sun kisses, where the gay birds sing

And where all winds make various murmuring;

Where bees are found, with honey for the bees;

Where sounds are music, and where silences

Are music of an unlike fashioning.

Then gaze I at the merrymaking crew,

And smile a moment and a moment sigh

Thinking: Why can I not rejoice with you?

But soon I put the foolish fancy by:
I am not what I have nor what I do;
But what I was I am, I am even I.

III

Therefore myself is that one only thing

I hold to use or waste, to keep or give;

My sole possession every day I live,

And still mine own despite Time's winnowing.

Ever mine own, while moons and seasons bring

From crudeness ripeness mellow and sanitive;

Ever mine own, till Death shall ply his sieve;

And still mine own, when saints break grave and sing.

And this myself as king unto my King

I give, to Him Who gave Himself for me;

Who gives Himself to me, and bids me sing

A sweet new song of His redeemed set free;

he bids me sing: O death, where is thy sting?

And sing: O grave, where is thy victory? -- Christina Rossetti

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These past few weeks I have not had the opportunity to really write up any half-decent posts for this blog. Even though I don't post very often as it is (wow, 4 posts since December) and I think I have a readership of maybe 2 or 3 people (hi mom!) it doesn't mean I don't intend to keep posting on this lonely blog.

I like to post poetry on here because it seems very few people really take the time to read poetry regularly (at least I don't) and it allows us to reflect on things we don't usually contemplate. Some people have an aversion to poetry--often because it looks like just a form of literature for personal and emotional introspection for the author. But it communicates something, I think, about humanity, that other forms of literature cannot. Hopefully, when I have the time, I will be able to say more as I've been trying to formulate an essay on this thanks to Shelley.

In the meantime, look what they did at Scriptorium Daily!

Alas... on I go to another busy week.

Of Social Rules and Communication

"So much hinting! So little real communication. Ugh. No wonder awkwardness
abounds among singles. Could there be a more elegant way for men and women to
communicate? There is, but it doesn't rely this heavily on hints. A hint is only
a glimpse of a larger statement. It is easily misunderstood because it is only a
fragment of the necessary information. We hint because being direct seems so
costly — even though in the long run, hinting is notoriously ineffective."

This article reminds me of a recent, rather thought-provoking, discussion I had with a former teacher of mine, about the recognized social rules for romantic relationships in western society and the problems incurred for the individuals seeking such relationships. (This so called “discussion” consisted of the positing of a question regarding his thoughts on the meaningful and appropriate romantic relationships). I, a young college freshman woman still trying to grasp the meaning of the short-term and long-term relationships I see around campus and of my own interaction with the opposite sex, was rather curious to know what Matt, a young intellectual 20-something (I wonder how many more adjectives I can fit in here) newlywed, believes about romance and the way of going about pursuing a serious relationship. I’ve discovered that the best advice, nay, the best wisdom imparted to me has always come from those older, more experienced, more learn-ed individuals; such as my tutors, mentors, and parents.

Anyway, back to the article—what is it about being direct with someone you are interested in that is so costly? Maybe it’s the fear of rejection. Maybe it has to do with not wanting to come on too fast or too strong, scaring the individual away, often resulting in not having moved fast enough before the other person loses interest. Perhaps part of it is the indecision which plagues our generation of young adults. The ability to leave things ambiguous and undefined appears to be the greatest talent of 18-25 year olds, and yet this is most harmful to relationships where communication is important.

It seems, however, that the biggest problem we have (which is aided by these social rules) that so often trips us up is our own will to control the direction the relationship takes instead of allowing it to develop naturally. But how do we allow things to develop naturally? Well, it takes time and patience but it also requires directness of communication. Yes, find the mean between the extremes; it is the only way. But we cannot find the mean alone. We don’t have that kind of power. We must seek Christ to be the center of those relationships. It comes down to surrendering control, and allowing God, as it is His right, to direct us and our relationships according to His will.

O love! do you remember? country bus
And England, meadows and blue sky?
The drowsy-sweet lost summer calling us
To walk there, you and I?

And how you drew my eyes to yours, still gazing
Till quietly between us two,
Across the bus, our eyes grown soft and praising,
A summer sweetness grew.

A country stop. A glance. And out we went
With joy to walk knee-deep in heather,
To drink with summer, holiness: content
To be in Christ together. -- Vanauken

May all who love, seek first He who is Love.

Complete love is found in the marriage of two who have Christ as their first love. He is Love, and only by Him, in all His holiness, beauty, and goodness is true romantic love made a reality.

In honor of all those who are blessed enough to find it. Happy Valentines Day.

"May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." - 2 Thessalonians 3:5

Of Hope Deferred...

O Lord, Jesus Christ,
Who is as the shadow of a great rock
In a weary land,
who beholds your weak creatures
Weary of labor, weary of pleasure,
weary of hope deferred, weary of self;
In your abundant compassion,
And fellow feeling with us,
And unutterable tenderness,
Bring us, we pray you,
Into your rest. -- Christina Rossetti

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"Therefore I will hope in him." – Lamentations 3:22-24