Of ... so many things

For the past few hours I have been sitting in my dorm room trying to edit my term paper before I send it off to be graded by the writing director. But my mind keeps wandering. For the past few weeks many things have been disturbing my otherwise calm spirit. Community has an amazing way of drawing vices out of hiding. Not that I regret that my flaws and imperfections and vices have been revealed: for those people in my life--my mentor and my closest friends--who are most aware of the things on my mind, are then able to help me, guide me, in finding the answers. Nevertheless, I feel an ache at the very thought of my flaws and faults, and would much sooner force my issues back into hiding than bring them into the light so that they may be scrutinized by my peers. It hurts to acknowledge and accept that I am not the person I wish I was. I have a lot of growing to do. Even though the pursuit of goodness never really ends in this life (Who can say they have acquired all the goodness that can be acquired?) I do feel this never ending self-imposed pressure to be better than I am, and I think that its enough pressure to actually prevent me from doing so. Why do I do this to myself? Is it pride? It's so easy to say, yep, its pride... the greatest human vice. And while, in one sense, I would like to say "No, my psyche is much more complex than that" I am afraid that if I were to be the honest person that I want to be then I must admit, this pressure is only the result of my not wanting to wait for God to sanctify and perfect me according to His will. Could I even say... gee I hate saying this... Have I been trying to sanctify myself? Is it all a matter of what other people think? Of what I think of myself? Ugh... how could I be so far off the mark... even this realization makes me sick.

O Lord, forgive me!